After Nalini
Chapter 16: What comes after the highest point of a journey is also part of the path. A story of challenges, disillusionment, and holding firm.
This chapter is written from memory and from the notes I kept during that time, shaped by what I could understand then and what I see more clearly now.
The journey with Nalini had been very deep, and when I came out of it, my body felt extremely weak and tender. My trousers were hanging loose around my waist, and after a few minutes of walking, I felt exhausted. Sometimes I would get up a bit too quickly and had to grab onto something to make sure I would not faint. My body was getting weaker and weaker as the dieta unfolded. I had lost at least ten kilograms in those first weeks. I was craving more food and liquids, but the rules of the dieta were very clear. I was committed to this. There was no way back.
The weakness had a strong influence on my mental and emotional state. I was much more quickly triggered, and I started to feel some annoyance towards Edi and Muca. The enthusiasm of the beginning was fading. The joy, the laughter, and the conversations full of appreciation were gently shifting into something heavier. Not many words were spoken anymore. Slowly we all drifted into our own inner worlds.
Since the encounter with Nalini, Muca and Edi had been less and less present in the center. Some days they would disappear to the village. It had been surprising to notice, as the rules had been clearly communicated: we were to stay for the first four weeks in the jungle, without leaving. When I asked them what was happening, they waved it away as if it was nothing special. When I would propose drinking medicine together, they would silently shake their heads and walk off. It made me feel insecure.
Confused, I asked Louisa how to deal with the situation. “Your dieta is yours; their dieta is theirs. Stay focused, Vata Txanu. Don’t let yourself be influenced by them.” She answered while continuing to sweep the jungle floor with her broom. I went to my mattress and sat with that answer.
The next morning I woke up and bathed in the river. It felt so good to be in that cold, clear water, with the sun shining on my skin. When I got back, six people from the village were sitting in the temple, relaxed with a plate of food and a cup of coffee in their hands. I was perplexed. “What is happening here?” I asked, a bit annoyed.
“Oh nothing special,” one of them said, and went back to laughter and conversation.
Nothing special. I looked around the temple. We were supposed to be fully secluded. Nobody outside of the dieta was supposed to be here. But I said nothing.
After a while I turned to Luis. “Luis, what are these people doing here? Didn’t you say that nobody should enter our dieta space? Why are there six people here drinking coffee, eating our food, and laughing and talking?” Luis had his eyes fixed to the ground and mumbled that they would leave soon.
“I don’t think they should leave soon. I think they should leave now. Didn’t we have a clear agreement around this?”
Luis nodded and walked away in silence toward the village, ignoring the people in the temple, who continued to eat and drink. When I saw Louisa make more coffee for everyone, I packed my hammock, a bottle of medicine, and my guitar, and left for the open spot in the jungle. Nobody seemed to care that I walked away.
When I arrived at the clearing I sat down and took the rapé from my pocket. With force I blew the fine powder up my nostrils. After a strong purge, I crawled into my hammock and closed my eyes. Tears started to roll down my cheeks, and before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Here I was in the middle of the jungle, a month into my Muka dieta. For such a long time I had prepared for this and left all my responsibilities in Peru to make it happen. The beginning had been full of synchronicities, with so much joy and camaraderie. Why was there such a shift happening now?
My mind was going in a downward spiral. Was that really the direction I wanted to go? I shook my head, wiped the tears off my face, and took the guitar in my hands. Lying in the hammock, I practiced some new songs. The singing brought me into a more positive space. After an hour it started to rain. I quickly packed up my stuff and ran back to my hut. When I arrived, ten people were drinking coffee and chatting in the temple.
I lay down on my mattress. In the previous weeks I had enjoyed listening to the sounds of the jungle in silence. It had been so restoring for my nervous system and my body. Connecting with nature, without a phone or computer, without people around, nothing to take care of. All that time had been a huge gift. Now I was lying there listening to people talking loud and laughing while they ate the precious food I had bought. If all these people kept eating the food, it would be gone in a couple of weeks. Getting new supplies would mean another trip to Tarauacá, a journey of a few days that would cost a good amount of money. After building the temple and the house, my available funds were dwindling. That night I lay awake for many hours, my mind running in circles.
The next morning Edi sat in the temple with his eyes on the ground. “I am going to Tarauacá with my family,” he announced. “I will be back in a few days.” We all listened in silence.
Luis said something in the Yawanawá tongue and began to pace the temple. He paced and spoke for fifteen minutes, waving his arm at Edi. I couldn’t understand a word of what they were saying, but I could feel it was a serious conversation. Muca didn’t say a word. He just sat there. The energy felt dense and heavy.
When they finished I asked what was going on. “I am going to Tarauacá with my wife and family for a few days,” Edi said. “Things need to be bought, and I need to go with them.”
“Edi, are you sure? We are not supposed to leave the jungle in this time. You have already left to the village several times and stayed gone for a few days. You haven’t been present here, and haven’t entered ceremony for a while. Breaking the dieta of Muka has severe consequences. Please stay. Let other people go to Tarauacá for your family.”
Edi stayed silent. “Are you not going to respond?” He just wagged his head from side to side. After about ten minutes, he stood up, said a few words in Yawanawá, and walked off toward the village.
I took a deep breath and let the situation sink in. I reached for my rapé, took a good dose, and lay down in my hammock. What was happening? How could it be that something that started out so full of grace was turning into something that felt so out of alignment? At first my mind turned more and more negative on the force of rapé, but then another voice came through: “Watch this moment with great attention, and remember that your dieta is your dieta. Nothing else is important now. You, and only you, are responsible for your dieta.”
I took another deep breath. My mind slowly calmed down. Luis, Louisa, and Muca were still sitting in the exact same spot. Nobody had spoken a word.
“Luis, we have to talk.” Luis took his chair and came to sit closer. “Things don’t feel good. More and more people are hanging around the center every day. In the beginning we agreed that nobody outside of the dieta would come into our space. I asked you a couple of times to send those people away, but you don’t seem to pay attention.
“Those people are eating our food. At this speed the food will be gone in a couple of weeks, and we still have two months left. I don’t have enough money to keep buying more.” I paused to see if Luis wanted to respond, but he stayed silent.
“Louisa, what’s happening with Edi?” Louisa said they had tried to convince him not to go, but he would not listen. They had to respect his decisions. I could feel she was worried about him breaking his dieta.
Then Luis spoke. “Vata Txanu, you don’t have to worry about the dieta of Edi. He is a grown man who makes his own decisions. If he keeps the dieta, he will grow from it. If he breaks it, he will suffer the consequences for a long time. He left, and now the dieta is with him.” Luis continued looking at the ground. We hadn’t looked into each other’s eyes for a few days. “From now on we are going to be here only with us. I will tell all the people of the village to never enter this space again. About food you don’t have to worry. We still have enough for the rest of the dieta.”
I knew how much food was left. We had only enough for three or four more weeks.
“Tomorrow we are going to continue your study,” Luis said. “From now on everything will be different.”
A cold shiver went through my body. For me that was a sign that Luis was not being completely truthful. I made the conscious decision to trust what was unfolding anyway, and to hope that things would change. Muca stayed silent during the whole conversation, and when we finished, he took his rapé, stood up, and walked into the forest.
That agreement had felt good when it was just me entering the dieta. Then when Edi and Muca joined, my intuition had given me a warning. I had thought their joining would be very special, and at the same time I had felt it would not be an easy journey. Should I have listened to that feeling?
I was learning that living with indigenous people was not the fairytale I had imagined. Our cultures and ways of honoring agreements were so different. It didn’t make the dieta easier.
Lying there on my mattress, I heard Luis, Louisa, and Muca leaving the camp, headed back to the village. I was all by myself. I had never been in the jungle alone before. Until then there had always been at least one person in the center. We had agreed to that in the beginning, as the jungle can be a wild place. That night I was tossing and turning. For the first time, the sounds of the jungle were scaring me. It was a long night, and I was relieved when the sun came up. I hadn’t slept a single minute.
I got up, grabbed my towel, and walked to the river with a piece of soap and the ever-present dented aluminum pot. I had to laugh when I looked at it. It had served us in so many ways. All the bathing in the creek, all the food cooked in it, the coffee for Luis, and who knows what more. The cold water was good for me, and I took my time bathing. The river was always so cleansing, and brought me out of my head and into my body. The sun was shining on my naked skin, and I sat down on a fallen tree to soak up the warmth. I took a few deep breaths to drink it all in. I was ready to move into a new chapter of the dieta with more ease and flow. I had to trust all that was unfolding, in full surrender.
When I walked into the temple, Luis and Louisa had come back. Louisa had started a fire and was preparing some corn and caiçuma for breakfast. Luis was sitting on his chair with a fresh shirt. “Let’s go into the forest today, to learn some plants,” he said. The energy felt forced. I could feel they were doing their best, but it didn’t feel natural.
I got dressed, and when I came back from my hut, two people from the village walked into the temple and sat down. Louisa handed them a plate of food and a cup of coffee. Muca joined, and soon everybody was chatting. I stood at a distance watching the scene. Nobody seemed to notice me. Silently I packed my stuff and left for the clearing in the jungle. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I hung my hammock between the trees.
I started to think about the messages I had received in ceremony years earlier. “Yawanawá, Yawanawá, Yawanawá.” “Cruzeiro do Sul, Cruzeiro do Sul, Cruzeiro do Sul.” Could it be that the medicine had deceived me? The sounds of the jungle slowly calmed me. I looked at the bottle of medicine next to my hammock. Maybe it was time to drink again, and to see what the medicine had to say.
I drank a big cup of Ayahuasca, lay back in the hammock, and closed my eyes. “What is happening?” I spoke the words out loud, to clearly voice that question to the medicine. My mind wandered in many directions, but no answer came. I just kept feeling drawn to my notebook and pen.
I picked them up and started to write intuitively. The first story that came onto paper was the ceremony where I had received the message about the Yawanawá and Cruzeiro do Sul. For three days I stayed in my hammock and wrote almost nonstop. Sometimes I walked back to the temple to grab a plate of food. Every time there was a group of people hanging out there, talking and eating. I ignored it, did my thing, and walked back to the hammock. It was as if we were living in completely different worlds.
The writing helped me remember the whole path that had brought me into the jungle. It relaxed me into the situation and trust was coming back. It felt so good to be out of the worry and into a different mindset.
One day I walked into the temple and something seemed to be happening. Luis sat silently in his chair, and Louisa was speaking to Muca in Yawanawá. The situation felt tense. I sat down and observed. Muca’s parents were there, people I hadn’t seen before. They smiled at me but kept focused on the conversation. Muca was sitting on a bench, his muscular torso straight, his eyes looking sternly to the ground.
At one point he started to speak in Portuguese. “Vata Txanu, I am leaving this place.” He stayed silent for a while. “Things have changed here in the last weeks. We started this dieta together, the beginning was really special, and I am very grateful for that time. But what we are learning is that this is not a place to do a dieta. Too many men and women are hanging around that have nothing to do with our dieta. That shouldn’t happen.”
I nodded silently in agreement.
“Edi just came back from Tarauacá and let us know that he will stay in the village. He might finish his dieta, he might break his dieta, we will see. But he will for sure not come back here again.”
That was new information for me. It took a moment to fully land. Muca saw my confusion and left a little silence.
“Another important point to think about is who is leading this dieta. A person who opens the Muka dieta for somebody should be completely able to show that person every single step that a person has to take. That can only be done by a person who has taken those steps himself. Almost anyone can speak words of knowledge. Words are easy. But true wisdom has a completely different value and is only gained through experience. Here in this village, there is not a single person that has done the dieta of Muka. So that means that here, nobody can show us these steps from experience.”
I listened to those words and felt myself tense up. A stream of cold energy went through me. I had never even thought about whether Luis had done the dieta of Muka himself. I just assumed that he had. Luis was sitting on his chair with his head bowed. Everyone else was completely silent.
“So I am going home with my father and mother, and finish the dieta in my village,” said Muca. “I will not come back here anymore. Thank you so much for our time together, thank you so much for all the food and everything you brought here. Without you we could have never started this dieta. Now is the time for us to part. I wish you all the best for the time coming up. Remember that your dieta is your own, and only you are responsible for it. Nobody else. I know you have the strength to finish this dieta, even when it might be difficult. Don’t break it. Stay firm and strong, be a warrior, and you will receive many gifts from this difficult time.”
My breath started to deepen. My body was very tense. Here I was in the middle of the Amazon, completely out of communication, with a tribe of people I hardly knew. I was barely speaking the language and in a situation that was becoming more and more difficult. After Edi, now Muca was leaving as well. For days I hadn’t really talked to Luis and Louisa or anybody else, and now I was left with them, with still six weeks to go. A wave of panic entered my body. I didn’t feel safe anymore.
Muca stood up, picked his bottle of rapé off the ground, and put it in my hands. “Use this,” he said. “It will keep you grounded and present. Let it be a beautiful memory of our time together.” With his strong arms he gave me a big hug. Then he took his bag and left, together with his parents.
Perplexed, I sat in the temple. How could I not have known that Luis had not taken the root of Muka himself? That news shocked me deeply. He hadn’t drunk medicine in years either. Luis and Louisa were staring at the floor in silence. No more words were spoken that day.
The next morning I sat down with Luis and for the first time in a week, we spoke. “Luis, I am not sure what is happening here. One-and-a-half years ago we met in a very special way. I am very grateful for that meeting. When I came back, the energy was filled with love and enthusiasm. All felt really good. Edi and Muca voiced they wanted to join, and there we were: the three warriors of Muka. In the beginning we made very clear agreements on how we were going to do this. We would clear a space in the jungle, build a house, and start the dieta. After that nobody other than the people involved in our dieta would enter our space.
“I bought all the food and supplies for three months, and we decided that we would only use that food for that purpose. You would be present to be our guide in the dieta, and to show us the path. In exchange for that you would receive a good amount of money, and at the end of the dieta, when everything had gone well, I would buy you a boat.
“Now we are here in the middle of our dieta in a very difficult situation. The last two weeks, more and more people have been hanging out in the temple. People that have nothing to do with the dieta, who just sit there, talking loud, eating our food, and bringing a whole different energy. I asked you a few times to tell them to go away, but you didn’t. More and more people started to hang around. Now Edi has left, Muca has left, and now it is just us. What are we going to do, Luis? I am here, and I am going to finish my dieta. I will not break it. I would love nothing more than to complete this dieta with a good energy. But I am not sure if you still want to continue, as you haven’t been really present in the last weeks. I will just find my own way with it, if it has to be. But if it is going to be that way, then there will not be a boat at the end.”
It was not easy to say all those things in a language I had just started to learn. I had hardly voiced any of it in the days before. It felt good to communicate, as best I could, some of the things that had been brewing inside. I felt my body relaxing. “What is the situation, Luis?” I concluded.
Luis took his time before answering. After a few minutes, he spoke. "Vata Txanu, we are sitting here in the middle of the jungle. A few weeks ago the forest was still very dense in this place. In just a little time, we cleared the jungle and built the first house. A few days later you took the root of Muka. You were the first person in the village of Sete Estrellas to ever take Muka. You brought Ayahuasca back to this village, and people drank here again for the first time in many years. You received a vision of a temple, and here we are, sitting in that vision realised.”
“Things have evolved quickly in the last weeks. For many years I have been praying for a person to come into my life that could help me expand my work and build a place to teach. It is very special for me that it is happening now, and I am very grateful for all that has unfolded.” He stood up and started pacing through the temple.
“In the last couple of weeks, more people have been coming to the center. For the people of the village, it is very common to hang around with Louisa and me, and now, when we are not in the village, people come here to be with us. I know that it has been difficult for you, for Edi, and for Muca. They both have left us. I pray for their dieta, and hope that they will finish it. I apologize for the things that have happened. From now on things are going to be different. I will make sure that there will not be any other people here except for Louisa and me. With that being said, Qwatsi will stay in the village.”
A small shock went through my body upon hearing those words.
“Don’t worry too much, Vata Txanu. Things will go differently from now on. As Edi and Muca have left, we will have more time to concentrate on your study. Let’s take a day of rest, and tomorrow we will continue. Tomorrow I will teach you something special. I am going to share one of my most profound secrets with you. That will be my gift to you for this dieta.”
I thanked Luis for his words and stood up. The moment I straightened my back, everything went black, and I was able to grab one of the temple poles just in time. I stood there for a moment with my eyes closed, and when I had myself back together again, I wished Luis a good day and went to my hut. There I poured myself a good cup of medicine and lay down.
My breath started to deepen. My body curled up under the soft, cozy jaguar blankets, and gently I started to see the familiar patterns and colors. The medicine calmed me down, and I drifted into a deep sleep. When I woke up, the medicine was strong inside me. In my vision I could see a serpent in the distance. She was lying there silently, just observing me. I felt a bit scared. Was she here to tell me that things were not going well? Was she going to be hard on me for all the things that were happening? I bowed my head in reverence to her, and listened.
“As a leader there are three important forces to keep an eye on, both for yourself and when observing other people.” It was as if she whispered the words straight into my mind. “When you are able to navigate those forces well, you will be in integrity. You will be walking the path of truth. When you start to notice that those three forces are controlling your thoughts, your words, and actions, let it be a sign to come back to integrity. Watch those forces, study those forces, and learn how to work with them. Learn how to guide them from a place of listening.
“For a man these three forces are an important study, so always keep an eye on them. Watch the force that you call money, watch the force that you call sex, and watch the force that you call power. Watch those forces inside of you, and watch those forces outside of you.”
I took a deep breath to let that message sink in and felt a jolt of energy. I could feel the truth in that message.
“There is full permission to live a life of abundance and to acquire money on the path of realizing your dreams and visions. Let finances carry you to your higher goals, and let abundance be present in your life in every way for yourself, your family, and all the people around you. At the same time, be careful not to let finances rule your decisions. If finances are the sole reason to do something, be aware. It might not be the best decision. See if you can always choose truth. Truth as you feel it in that moment. Choose truth, and you will go into the direction of the light.”
She left a pause to let those words sink in.
“Also there is full freedom to go into sexuality after you have completed your dieta. Sex is a creative force that can be used in many ways. Enjoy that energy, learn from that energy, play with that energy, master that energy. That force has the power to create as well as the power to destroy. It can easily enslave you. Let sexuality be a tool to build conscious relationships in life. Let that force move through you as you connect ever deeper with it. Let all your dreams and visions be infused with that force, and they might come into your reality.”
I released a deep sigh. My whole body was tingling.
“The third force is power. Let power be there to manifest all that you desire for the higher good of yourself and all around you. Let power move through you, let power be there to lead with humbleness. But know that power is not yours. It just moves through you as water moves through a river. Remember that the river does not own the water. When the water decides to leave the river, the river will not be a river anymore. Learn as much as you can about this force, but be careful not to use it to control or manipulate others.
“Study these three forces in silence. They can bring you closer to truth, closer to the light. At the same time they can steer you into the darkness. Be a master at navigating these three forces, and you will become a master of life. All other things will follow.”
A deep silence followed those words. While she had communicated, the vision had shown me different situations in my life and in the dieta where I had been more or less in integrity. There were no acknowledgments, there was no judgement, only clear reflections of what had happened.
“Observe those forces in yourself and observe them in others. Lean in with people who are in integrity with those forces and be aware when people are not. People make their own choices, but you can choose if you take part in it. Learn how to observe these forces more clearly; it will help you to choose where and how to spend your time wisely.”
Those words resonated inside of me for a while, and I felt my body relaxing. The message gave me clarity, courage, and strength. When the force of the medicine subsided, I opened my eyes and looked at the medicine bottle. Feeling into whether it was time for another cup, a shiver of cold moved through my body. That was enough for that day. The sun had already gone down, and I walked toward the temple. The dented aluminum pot was waiting for me with a little food. I ate slowly, consciously taking every bite. My body was very weak, and feeling dizzy was something that happened multiple times a day. That night my sleep was deep and restful.
Waking up the next morning, I felt clear, calm, and much more focused. My dieta was my dieta, and nobody was going to touch it. I was responsible for it and nobody else. I took my towel and walked to the river to bathe.
When I came back, Luis and Louisa were waiting for me. This time no one else was around. “Once you finish that plate, put on your boots. We are going for a walk. Your study is going to continue,” Luis said.
The energy felt forced and tense. I ate in silence. When I finished my breakfast, I got dressed and put on my rubber boots and baseball cap. Luis stood up and walked into the jungle. I followed him silently. During our previous walks, Luis had explained things to Edi in Yawanawá, and Edi would translate into Portuguese. I wondered how it would go this time.
After half an hour, Luis sat down on a fallen trunk and I sat down next to him. I felt insecure and took a good-sized dose of rapé. I could feel the tension between us and waited patiently in silence for Luis to start.
“Here we are, Vata Txanu, in the forest, sitting between the trees and the animals in the middle of your Muka dieta. We were waiting for this moment for a long time, and now we are here. The passage that you are taking is a very sacred passage in our tradition, a passage that I have not taken myself. I honor you for your commitment and your courage. These past weeks many challenges have come our way, but that is the path of dieta. A dieta is never easy. It never goes as planned. Know that this is all new for this village. This is the first dieta that is happening here, so we are all learning. These challenges are inviting us to grow and expand, and that is what a dieta is about. I can imagine that it has not been easy with Muca and Edi leaving, and with all the people visiting the center eating our food.”
I took deep breaths while listening to his words. My body felt cold and tense. I kept the silence and chose not to respond.
“What has happened we cannot change, but we can choose to start anew. It is my prayer that this moment is a new start for us. As a gift for you, I will share with you one of the secrets that my father taught me. This is an ancient secret from our tribe that very few people know. It is a very powerful medicine that is made from thirteen plants. Some of them are very difficult to find. It takes several days to prepare, and it is not easy to do. Once it is ready, you have to be very careful how you use it.” He paused and looked up into the leafy canopy overhead.
A very strange energy crept up my spine. My chest felt tense, my breath was shallow, and I felt a rush of coldness going through my body. The teachings of the serpent from the night before were very present inside of me. I just sat there and listened.
“This is a secret that my father taught me many years ago. It has been kept in the tribe for many generations. A good number of people have asked me to make this medicine for them, but I have only made it a few times.
“Two years ago,” he continued, “I was in the village watching the children play soccer. I was sitting on a bench, watching, observing. And at one point a young girl from the village ran toward me, stopped, looked at me, and said with a strong voice: ‘What are you looking at, old man?’ I stayed silent and didn’t respond, but inside I felt angry, as that is not the way for a young girl to speak to an elder. In our tribe we have respect for our elders. I pondered on what to do, and after a while I knew exactly. The next day I walked into the forest and collected all the plants needed to make the medicine I just told you about. I was going to make the girl pay for that moment.”
On hearing this, my whole body tensed. It felt like my stomach turned around.
“When I found all the plants, I went home and asked Louisa to prepare that medicine for me.”
I knew that it was Louisa who actually prepared all medicines for Luis, as it was difficult for him to make them with only one arm.
“It took a few days for the medicine to be ready, but I was not in a hurry.”
As I listened to Luis’s words, things started falling into place. In the last weeks I had seen a young girl in the temple, always close to him. I had wondered what their relationship was, and had pushed the question away each time it came up. Now I could not push it away anymore. Could this really be it? I felt disgusted and sick.
Luis continued speaking, but I was unable to listen to him fully. My mind went wild. I thought I was going to puke. Was he feeling proud of what he just shared? In that moment I remembered my commitment to come to the tribe observing, listening, watching, all without any judgement, without any incentive to change these people’s culture or behaviors. It was almost impossible for me to stay in a place of nonjudgement in this moment, but I kept my mouth shut.
The only vague memory I have of the remainder of his story is him telling that the concoction could attract any woman, and that it would keep any woman by your side for the rest of your life. It was like a sacred bond that couldn’t be broken by any man, woman, or plant. He shared how he had gone up to the young girl, and there my memory leaves me. I can only remember the last part of what he said.
“I haven’t shared this with anyone, Vata Txanu. I will show you the plants, and make you a bottle of this medicine for you to take home. Then when the dieta is over, you can get any woman you choose. And whoever you choose, she will stay at your side for the rest of your life. That will be my special gift to you in this dieta.”
After those words I said nothing.
My stomach had turned completely. My hands went to my belly without me choosing that. I was hunched slightly forward, as if my body was trying to protect something. There was a pressure in my head that I had not felt before, heavy and dense, like something pressing inward from all sides.
The single loudest thought was simple: I need to get the fuck out of here.
I had made a commitment before entering the jungle. Not to change these people. Not to judge them. To observe, to learn, to witness, and to hold whatever I saw with as much humility as I could. That commitment had not always been easy. There had been moments in the weeks before that had unsettled me. The young wives. The dynamics I didn’t understand and didn’t feel I had the right to comment on. I had held that discomfort quietly and kept walking.
But this was different.
When I was young, I witnessed my sister being sexually abused by our uncle. I don’t write that lightly. It shaped me in ways I am still understanding. I watched what it did to her and our family over the decades that followed. I know the weight of it. I know how long that kind of thing travels.
I am not saying what Luis described was the same thing. Their culture, their laws, their understanding of power and gender and relationships are genuinely different from mine, formed long before I arrived, in a world I could only partly understand. I had come into this jungle knowing that. I had tried to honour that.
But my body did not care about the distinction in that moment. My body remembered what it remembered.
Walking away in silence was the only way I could honour both things at once: the commitment I had made, and the line I could not cross. If I had opened my mouth, I don’t know what would have come out. So I stood up, said nothing, and walked back to my hut.
Luis stayed behind. I didn’t look back.
When Luis came back, I heard him and Louisa talking in the temple. The conversation sounded fearful, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I heard them walk away toward the village. I was in the jungle, all alone again. I had no idea how Luis was feeling. I could imagine that he was frustrated or even angry. Some memories of our conversation in the previous weeks came back to me, and one memory hit me strongly. Luis had told me about a plant that could kill. A shockwave of fear entered my body, and my heart skipped a beat. Was I safe in the jungle with these people? I lay paralyzed on my mattress. It was the first time I felt fear for my life.
Looking back on this chapter now, more than a decade later, I want to be honest about something. There have been moments on my own path when I did not act with full integrity in my relationships with women. I slipped. I learned. The serpent’s teaching about the three forces was not only a message about what I witnessed in others. It was a message I needed to hear for myself. I believe I have done real work around this, and I see much more clearly now the responsibility that comes with holding ceremonial space. At the same time, I don’t want to pretend I have arrived. The walk toward integrity is one I will need to keep walking for the rest of my life.